Christmas Surprises
by Intoxicated Gnu
Summary: Lupin's sad and all alone on Christmas, but he soon gets some unexpected visitors. A tale of friendship, romance, betrayal, and drunkenness all in one magical adventure!


Quiet piano soothed the eardrums. Colors flashed through his window. Lupin was all alone with a martini shaker and a bûche de Noël. There was no-one in his penthouse; no-one in his mansion. His phone was filled with missed calls and sexts, but he tossed his phone aside and sighed, digging a fork into his lovely cake.

It just didn't taste as sweet without her. It was bitter like Fujiko's kiss when she was trying to perfect the kiss of death, and he stupidly hadn't listened when she'd told him not to kiss her, and it took eight solid hours to steal the antidote (four in flight). He'd forgotten that until just then, but there he was reminiscing about her again, he thought as he drank the glass-full like a shot.

He really should have left Japan before that beloved and dreaded holiday hit. He could have either missed the holiday altogether through time zone differences or at least gone somewhere where couples weren't emphasized so much. He didn't even have family to destroy anymore, and he just didn't feel like celebrating, even in his red silk robe that had cost a fortune.

Lupin stood slowly. He was sick of being suck a sadsack! He shut the curtains to block out the lights and flopped back down in his armchair. He was going to lean back and take a nap and wake up ready to find some treasure. But just as his body seemed to sink into the chair just the right way, his nap-to-be was interrupted by a knock. He tried to ignore it, hoping it was just room service asking him if he wanted more cake, but it only came louder.

He huffed as he stomped towards the door. If Zenigata had tracked him down on Christmas of all days, Lupin was going to give him a piece of his mind. Lupin raised his gun before flicking open the door, but lowered it when he realized it was only Jigen. "Oh, it's you."

"Nice to see you too." His arms were full with a huge bucket holding ice, a couple of bottles of something strong and alcoholic, two glasses, and a thick plastic cup with pink and blue butterflies on it filled with white plastic balls.

Lupin frowned as he locked the door back up. "You brought the butterfly one? Why do you even still have that thing? You know I like the one with the ninja apes."

Jigen scoffed as he dropped the bucket in the middle of the room. "I think that bitch McNamee orwhateverhisnamewas from that crappy San-Fran bar nicked it. Remember, that real jealous one who threatened us with his wife and how she was an attorney?"

Lupin nodded absent-mindedly, not quite believing Jigen's story, but letting it go. "Fine, butterflies it is. Maybe with my vodka goggles, I'll see some hot ladies instead," he said grinning and rubbing his hands together.

Jigen handed him a glass and told him to shut up.

"Where's Goemon?" Lupin asked as he tossed a bottle in the air and caught it in the perfect position to pour down his mouth, but poured into his glass instead.

Jigen laughed before popping off a lid with his teeth. "I tricked him into volunteering with those first graders again. Said some cat demon or something was going to curse him if he didn't help them learn the way of the samurai."

Lupin chuckled. "Again?"

"I don't even think he believed me. Didn't wanna take the chance, I guess."

The two laughed again as they began their profuse drinking.

Twenty minutes later, the two were slumped against the corner walls. It wasn't because they were lightweights, or because they had come up with increasingly stupid drinking games and drank too quickly, but because beer pong was only fun when they were winning and could rub it in someone's face. The two of them were just too good, so they were evenly matched.

Lupin sighed, rubbing his knuckles against his bare knee. He would have put on pants had he known he was going to have company, but then again Jigen saw him in his boxers all the time, so he hadn't really thought about it. Smacking his head against the wall lightly, he tried to think of something to say – something that wasn't complaining about Jigen being there, since he supposed that part wasn't too bad. "You know…" With the alcohol taking effect, Lupin tended to lose his verbal filter, so he ended up just talking about the first thing that came to mind: "When I was fourteen, the hottest girl in school asked me out. It was my first real date, being a Lupin and all, and I made sure it was perfect, and nabbed these fancy chocolates from the principal's wife, and some roses from the neighbor's garden – good stuff, you know? But it was all a joke. She knew I would make sure everyone knew I had a date with her and she was only there for twenty minutes! But she came up with all kinds of embarrassing stories and told _everyone_ and of course everyone believed her. Grandpa always told me not to make friends, so I didn't, so everyone just thought I was weird, if not abnormally attractive. So I dropped out of school and got a paper route so I could learn how to launder money."

Jigen just stared at him in slightly clouded interest through the story. When Lupin was done, he nodded, took a long sip from his bottle, and said, "That's deep, man."

Lupin nodded back and the two sat in silence.

"So…" Jigen leaned on his knees in thought, and tipsiness.

Vaguely startled by the break in silence, Lupin turned his head too quickly.

"Even when you were a kid you knew women were garbage? Why do you bother?"

Lupin grinned. "Well, sorry I'm not a fag like you, Jigen."

"Asshole."

"Homo."

"Prick."

"_Gay_."

Jigen rolled his eyes. "If that's the best you can do, I'm done."

"Yeah, me too." Lupin mumbled, scratching his head. Somehow, he just wasn't in the mood for insult games. "Well… How'd you get to be so bitter about women anyway?"

Jigen usually evaded questions about himself, but for whatever reason, he just shrugged. "You've met my exes."

Lupin grinned. "What were we up to, twenty-seven? Man, you must leave quite an impression." He leaned back as he thought about Fujiko running up to him, calling his name just like that last ex had to Jigen, although that ex turned out to be some rich dude's daughter who'd just pretended to be a hood chick. What was it about Jigen that kept the ladies coming back, he wondered as he stared at Jigen an almost an accusatory way. What did Jigen have that he didn't? He didn't think he was lacking in any department, though – certainly none that mattered – so he was still left clueless as to how to chalk up Fujiko's coldness towards him.

Jigen regretted bringing up his past. Lupin had such a superiority complex that he made trouble when the spotlight was on anyone else. Jigen liked being in the background anyway, so the whole thing was annoying, and he was starting to think he shouldn't have had so much bourbon after drinking so much beer at the bar. He leaned his head against the wall, closing his eyes against the sudden nausea.

"God dammit," Lupin muttered, pissed that _his_ friend who was there to keep _him _ company while _he _was suffering was falling asleep on him. He wasn't even done antagonizing him. "Jerkass. You're gonna make me tired too." He crossed his arms and stared at the other end of the room, determined not to fall asleep before Jigen woke up.

Fujiko was a pretty girl, but she had some muscle on her. Nevertheless, she wished she had gone easy with her shopping. "Forty-seven steps to the door. Forty-six." She took a pause to pant before her heeled foot stepped forward once more. "Forty… something." Before the muscle strain caused her vision to disappear completely, she was relieved of the heavy burden. "Goemon! You're late!" she said with such gratitude, Goemon couldn't get self-conscious about his lack of punctuality.

Goemon's hair was mussed and there were sparkles on her face, but he looked no worse for wear otherwise. "I have had an… ordeal."

Fujiko nodded, not caring enough to press for details. She was bound to get them from someone anyway. She pulled down her skirt so it was smooth and straightened her necklace, putting on her best sex face. "Lupin, we're home!" she called out as the two walked through the door.

She was mildly surprised when she didn't get catcalled, or shouted at in any way. "Goemon, be a dear and put those in the kitchen, will you?"

Despite her not looking at him, Goemon nodded. "Yes, Lady Fujiko," he muttered and scampered off.

They both knew it wasn't sarcasm. Goemon tended to fall into old habits when being ordered around by strong women. Fujiko pretended not to notice and strolled towards the bedrooms, her hips swaying like she was dancing to the inaudible beat of the magical Christmas chemistry blossoming around them.

As she walked past the lamp she was tempted to take with her, she spotted a couple of sad looking lumps in the corner. "Again?" she said and sighed, slamming her palm into her forehead. "Why does he keep doing this? I told him I was just getting tonight's dinner."

There was a sigh behind her, as well. "They are out cold?"

Fujiko turned to him and nodded. "I guess it's just you and me tonight."

Goemon smiled softly and winked. "Well, we cannot have you all dressed up for nothing. I shall go set the table." He lunged forward and grabbed Fujiko roughly, pulling her closer. Their lips were soon pressed together as Fujiko found Goemon's tongue pushing its way into her mouth, Fujiko surrendering and letting it enter. She wrapped her arms around him as Lupin and Jigen were oblivious to their liquid-sharing adventures, but Fujiko broke it off with a squeak when she felt a hand squeeze her upper thigh. Goemon was definitely an ass man.

Goemon had the shame to look embarrassed. He wiped a stray trail of liquid off his face with the back of his arm and turned away. "I… will go ready dinner."

Fujiko just smiled. "We'll continue from where we left off after we put these two putzes to bed."


End file.
